Welcome 2013.
Last year was good to me. Anything had to have been better than the horrible year of 2011, and 2012 pulled through for me. But honestly I'm trying to let go of the notion that a year is a good one or a bad one. Yes we look back at times in our lives with distinct bookmarks. I can't think of 2001 without thinking of the terrorist attacks or reflect on 2005 without thinking of becoming a mother. Dates are important to me but I hate the idea of grouping an entire 365 days into the good or the bad. And I'm saying this for myself more than for anyone else.
So reflections of 2012...
In January we returned to our home church after being drifters for two years. The two years were actually imperative in our spiritual walk, especially for our entire family unit, and we returned to our church family stronger and more committed than when we left. We returned because they are our family, and the first Sunday back we were met with so many open arms we knew it was true, and right. As 12 months went by and I was sitting in my parent's church for Christmas Eve service I was longing to be with my Daybreak family, missing them. A good reflection, confirmation, that yes we had made the right decision in going back.
Doors have opened. Doors have closed. God is moving, pulling, pushing, hugging, protecting, nudging. Overwhelmingly, I have felt that this year.
Coleman, my youngest, started kindergarten this year. That in itself is HUGE. For the past 7 years I have fully devoted myself to my boys. It was the job I longed for since being a little girl myself, a mommy. Of course I'm still a mommy, but something changes when your youngest goes off to school...especially if you've stayed at home the whole time and now you don't have a reason to stay home. There was some mourning, moping and tears on my part. A huge chapter in my life was closing. The new chapter was finding a life for Melinda again. What was I going to do with all this time? Ha! Now I feel busier than ever...
I started teaching piano again! This has been one of the most exciting things I've started this year. I started with three students in the fall, and starting this month I'm getting four more! I'm also teaching my boys so that's a good amount of students for my first year back. I've also networked and met some wonderful fellow teachers in the community. Music is a passion and now it has become a reality for me as a professional job.
After 15 years since playing college tennis, I started playing again. This has also been very exciting for me. My mom asked me to sub for her this past summer. I was very reluctant in saying yes but played the good daughter card, stepped way out of my comfort zone and ended up having a blast. I subbed once more and found myself being asked to play for a USTA team! I've made new friends, exercised and found my competitive spirit once again.
Besides teaching piano I was also working at a Mom's Day out program a couple days a week. In all the good that happened this year it wouldn't be reality without some bumps in the road. And it would be impossible for God to teach me and mold me without some trials. In the most unexpected place, I went through one of the most challenging and hurtful situations so far in my adult professional life. The feeling of being misunderstood with no way of defending myself or my reputation is a drowning sinking feeling. Practically putting forth the work and effort of forgiveness, leaning on God wholly, and every other basic Christian principle has been put into play in the past few months. And guess what? Beautiful things come through hard transitions! Through all the negativity and blow to the self-esteem, on one of my lowest days, I received a phone call offering me a position at another Mom's Day out program. I wasn't looking, I wasn't applying, but I was sought after. I cried like a baby listening to that voicemail knowing that God was all over this, providing, paving this new path for me. Thankful, I am. It still hurts and I'd be lying if I didn't admit to occasionally feeling haunted about it all, but I am trying my hardest to figure out what I can learn out of this situation, how I can grow, and how I can be a better person through it all.
So 2013 offers some new things. I will be busy, but happily so. Still loving on my family, teaching music and taking care of some precious wee ones. Welcome, 2013.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Monday, June 25, 2012
finding "the now"
To be completely honest, I was feeling myself getting into a rut, an emotional one. I was bummed that I couldn't get down some routine with the boys and myself, and I felt summer slipping by me while I watched, unable to grasp fun, relaxation, productivity or just plain contentment. Instead of living in the moment I'm always looking back or forward, it is what I do naturally. I'm always looking back, either reflecting on awesome memories or living in the "should haves". Or I'm preparing for the future, either by planning or unfortunately in the state of "what ifs". The "should haves" and the "what ifs", yuck. To remedy this may seem easy, live in the now.
What makes my stomach turn writing the above is that I had a horrible scare this past month when I found a lump in my left breast. After a week of rechecking and hoping it would go away I saw a doctor who verified that it was indeed a lump of something. She ordered a diagnostic mammogram for me and the worry began. Until someone else confirmed that there was a lump there I could toss it aside, but once the mammogram was scheduled, and thankfully it was the next day, I was a nervous wreck. I was a crying mess and my mind flew to all the "what ifs". My aunt had successfully battled breast cancer, as well as a friend from church and another from my local bible study. Another woman I knew through church is still undergoing treatment and has a boy the same age as Coleman. And an online friend was having a horrific battle with a lung cancer diagnosis and undergoing treatments. I could think of many that had, were, or knew someone that was suffering from cancer. I was horrified and just knew that my diagnosis would be theirs. I'm glad I'm wrong sometimes. My mom went with me which was such a blessing to have company while waiting and waiting, especially donned in a pink gown. The mammogram didn't hurt nearly as bad as what I've heard women describe. The ultrasound was next which confirmed that I had nothing to worry about. The lump which I felt was a mound of tissue that feels like a clump close to the surface, and even scarier to me, underneath that 3 cysts were detected on the ultrasound that I couldn't (and still can't) feel. Of course I was relieved and then my heart just ached the rest of the day for all the women out there that don't hear that good news.
So back to the now. With a scare like that I would've thought I would be jolted into this state of complete thankfulness. But I'm not, a part of me still feels numb, and I want to kick my own butt for not being more grateful in the now, for today, for this minute. I have SO much to be thankful for. Not two weeks later I am full of grumbles for this and that and feel like I'm drowning in my own negativity. What do I need? A good dose of gratitude.
A few months ago I picked up Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts. It was good. I can't say it was great because I didn't enjoy it quite as much as many of my girlfriends have, but I love the concept of finding gratitude in the everything, and making an effort to acknowledge it (as she did by writing them down). If you haven't read it, the gist is that the author was challenged to write down 1000 things she was thankful to God for. She goes into great long-winded and poetic illustrations of how the act of thanksgiving can change us. I do believe that, it's written all over scripture that we are to be thankful in all things.
When I started writing this entry earlier today, I had no idea that I would even end at the gratitude challenge, much less that I would even bring up this book! Writing is therapy, I've always thought so. And now I've answered my own question of how to keep from drowning in my own negativity...turning it around into thanksgiving to God, and I've already got some things to jot down in my little black and white notebook! What better way to live in the now than to be thankfully acknowledging the little things that God blesses me with, constantly.
What makes my stomach turn writing the above is that I had a horrible scare this past month when I found a lump in my left breast. After a week of rechecking and hoping it would go away I saw a doctor who verified that it was indeed a lump of something. She ordered a diagnostic mammogram for me and the worry began. Until someone else confirmed that there was a lump there I could toss it aside, but once the mammogram was scheduled, and thankfully it was the next day, I was a nervous wreck. I was a crying mess and my mind flew to all the "what ifs". My aunt had successfully battled breast cancer, as well as a friend from church and another from my local bible study. Another woman I knew through church is still undergoing treatment and has a boy the same age as Coleman. And an online friend was having a horrific battle with a lung cancer diagnosis and undergoing treatments. I could think of many that had, were, or knew someone that was suffering from cancer. I was horrified and just knew that my diagnosis would be theirs. I'm glad I'm wrong sometimes. My mom went with me which was such a blessing to have company while waiting and waiting, especially donned in a pink gown. The mammogram didn't hurt nearly as bad as what I've heard women describe. The ultrasound was next which confirmed that I had nothing to worry about. The lump which I felt was a mound of tissue that feels like a clump close to the surface, and even scarier to me, underneath that 3 cysts were detected on the ultrasound that I couldn't (and still can't) feel. Of course I was relieved and then my heart just ached the rest of the day for all the women out there that don't hear that good news.
So back to the now. With a scare like that I would've thought I would be jolted into this state of complete thankfulness. But I'm not, a part of me still feels numb, and I want to kick my own butt for not being more grateful in the now, for today, for this minute. I have SO much to be thankful for. Not two weeks later I am full of grumbles for this and that and feel like I'm drowning in my own negativity. What do I need? A good dose of gratitude.
A few months ago I picked up Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts. It was good. I can't say it was great because I didn't enjoy it quite as much as many of my girlfriends have, but I love the concept of finding gratitude in the everything, and making an effort to acknowledge it (as she did by writing them down). If you haven't read it, the gist is that the author was challenged to write down 1000 things she was thankful to God for. She goes into great long-winded and poetic illustrations of how the act of thanksgiving can change us. I do believe that, it's written all over scripture that we are to be thankful in all things.
When I started writing this entry earlier today, I had no idea that I would even end at the gratitude challenge, much less that I would even bring up this book! Writing is therapy, I've always thought so. And now I've answered my own question of how to keep from drowning in my own negativity...turning it around into thanksgiving to God, and I've already got some things to jot down in my little black and white notebook! What better way to live in the now than to be thankfully acknowledging the little things that God blesses me with, constantly.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
a Father's Day tribute
My dad is awesome. I feel very lucky to call him Dad myself and Papa to my boys. I admire him for so many reasons. But this isn't about my dad, it's about my husband.
I knew he'd be a great dad before we ever got married. Somehow he wasn't as convinced but has since proved me right! I love that he plays with the boys, and plays hard, even after long work days when I know he needs some quiet. He still manages to put the boys before himself. Every decision he makes I know that he considers our boys before any actions are taken. And I love how caring he is when it comes to kids that aren't his own. I have watched many playdates, parties and get togethers where he ends up playing with and watching over the kids. When mama needs a break, he is ALWAYS there and never, not once, has complained about it. I really don't know if he knows just how much I appreciate that.
And he makes great things. I thought I'd share some of the wonderful things that he makes...
He makes furniture, really cool furniture, headboard and all.
I knew he'd be a great dad before we ever got married. Somehow he wasn't as convinced but has since proved me right! I love that he plays with the boys, and plays hard, even after long work days when I know he needs some quiet. He still manages to put the boys before himself. Every decision he makes I know that he considers our boys before any actions are taken. And I love how caring he is when it comes to kids that aren't his own. I have watched many playdates, parties and get togethers where he ends up playing with and watching over the kids. When mama needs a break, he is ALWAYS there and never, not once, has complained about it. I really don't know if he knows just how much I appreciate that.
And he makes great things. I thought I'd share some of the wonderful things that he makes...
He makes furniture, really cool furniture, headboard and all.
He makes really cute kids.
And he makes me really happy. Happy Father's Day!
Friday, June 15, 2012
summer break ramblings
What am I doing wrong?! We have barely been out of school three weeks and my kids are driving me nuts. It pains me to write that. It really does. Being at home with my kids was the dream I longed for as early as my own childhood. Summer is supposed to be fun and dreamy and warm. And according to everyone else's facebook pages, I must be doing something wrong.
I could go many ways at this point. I could talk about how the internet can be a horrible place for comparing ourselves with others and how emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy you need to be to thrive while socializing on the internet. Or I could talk about how structure is just the remedy for those summer days where I feel like I may go stir crazy with wild beasts hanging off of me. I could lament on how horrible of a mother I am for letting my kids watch more than the recommended one hour of television a day, or how guilty I'm actually feeling for not enjoying every precious minute with my kids. But no, I'm really just rambling. I know I'll figure it out, I (we) always do.
When it comes down to it, we seem to have a hard time with transitions. And this is just another transition. We had our routines down all through infancy, toddlerhood, and preschool years. Even homeschooling Noah was similar to the preschool years because he was still home with me 3 days/week. This is our first long break after Noah's first year in public school, and of me starting a new part-time job. Now that summer is here, we are together so much. It is an incredible blessing, we just need to find our groove again. I need to give myself and my kids some grace. Daily. Come August 15, surely the tears will flow that both of my boys will be going off to school and mommy will have no idea what to do with herself.
We've already done some great things this summer and have much more on the calendar. The boys have already taken swim lessons at Transy -they are the best, they really are. And I've started my new job at a summer mom's day out program. The boys go with me and have their own classes that they seem to be enjoying. And this week our church has had VBS every night, exhausting but SO much fun! There is so much to do...we will find our niche, we always do.
I could go many ways at this point. I could talk about how the internet can be a horrible place for comparing ourselves with others and how emotionally, spiritually and mentally healthy you need to be to thrive while socializing on the internet. Or I could talk about how structure is just the remedy for those summer days where I feel like I may go stir crazy with wild beasts hanging off of me. I could lament on how horrible of a mother I am for letting my kids watch more than the recommended one hour of television a day, or how guilty I'm actually feeling for not enjoying every precious minute with my kids. But no, I'm really just rambling. I know I'll figure it out, I (we) always do.
When it comes down to it, we seem to have a hard time with transitions. And this is just another transition. We had our routines down all through infancy, toddlerhood, and preschool years. Even homeschooling Noah was similar to the preschool years because he was still home with me 3 days/week. This is our first long break after Noah's first year in public school, and of me starting a new part-time job. Now that summer is here, we are together so much. It is an incredible blessing, we just need to find our groove again. I need to give myself and my kids some grace. Daily. Come August 15, surely the tears will flow that both of my boys will be going off to school and mommy will have no idea what to do with herself.
We've already done some great things this summer and have much more on the calendar. The boys have already taken swim lessons at Transy -they are the best, they really are. And I've started my new job at a summer mom's day out program. The boys go with me and have their own classes that they seem to be enjoying. And this week our church has had VBS every night, exhausting but SO much fun! There is so much to do...we will find our niche, we always do.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
back to the blogosphere
I decided at the beginning of the year that I wanted to start up my blog and post it -deep gulp- publicly. It's June, if that says anything about my procrastination issues. I've blogged very randomly and privately since 2009, mostly for myself, after struggling with some anxiety and feeling the need for much privacy. So instead of simply starting a new blog -much, too much trouble-, I'm just revamping the old one...the one I started when Noah wasn't quite a year. A new fresh mama with not a clue. And let's not kid around, I still don't have a clue. I have convictions, experiences and thoughts on lots of thing. But I'm learning everyday, about myself and about others. To me, life is about people and experiences. Obviously that is completely vague, but I won't deny that sometimes I'm guilty of making sweeping statements. So now that this first back-to-the-blogosphere post is nearing its end (the hardest one of all!), I'll leave you with some recent pictures of my fabulous family and some major milestones. Melinda and the redheads...
celebrating my parent's 50th anniversary
Noah's 7th birthday
celebrating our 10th anniversary!
Coleman's preschool graduation day
celebrating my parent's 50th anniversary
Noah's 7th birthday
celebrating our 10th anniversary!
Coleman's preschool graduation day
Sunday, February 13, 2011
a different kind of fast
I miss my internet places, the ones I’m “fasting” from indefinitely…Facebook, and moreso GCM. It’s Sunday night, the kids are in bed, my hubby is working and I don’t really have anything to do. Well, okay I do. I could be focusing my energies in prayer, bible study or reading right now…isn’t that the point of fasting? Why yes Melinda, it is. But here I am, typing on my long-forgotten cobweb covered blog. I don’t know why the internet draws me like this. Maybe it comes down to habit. Sitting in this chair, staring at this screen, winding down for the evening. Why am I even doing this? Too stubborn to fast from all internet it seems that my focus could possibly just shift to searching for recipes or reading blogs. I hope not. I *can* feel a shift, a change. Just in the past week I know I’ve given my boys the much-needed attention they deserve. I see it in their faces, the excitement that I’m actually hanging out with them more. The days may be long, but the years are short. I don’t want their memories of mom being that of my back, eyes staring at a screen. I love my internet places, but I love my kids more. Finding the balance is what I’m hoping to discover in all of this, hopefully with my priorities coming out in appropriate order.
Friday, February 11, 2011
thoughts on simplicity
There has been this continual theme in my life and it happened shortly after my first was born. Simplicity. It’s a beautiful word to me and means so many things. I think of things like sustainable living, organic foods, cloth living instead of using disposable (convenient) things, among a much longer list of things that could fall under this umbrella.
And God just keeps working on me more and more and more. I was challenged a week ago to ask God to reveal any idols in my life. I meant the prayer and God surely honors that…and shortly after I was convicted in at least 3 ways that I needed to cut off time on the internet and focus on Him. In one instance I had hurridly chose a book to read (out of a huge stack) when I had a few extra minutes. The Trouble with Paris: Following Jesus in a world of plastic promises by Mark Sayers….believe it or not, I got it at the $ store! This book has been as eye-opening and convicting as Shane Claiborne’s Irresistible Revolution that I picked up a few years ago which has led to many of my “simple” ideals these days. I could sit here all day and quote the book with golden nuggets of truth but simply put….hyperconsumerism has taken control of our society and our reality is not truth. Honestly it’s a lot for me to take in, especially with my anxiety. I hesitate to pick up the book at times, needing to be in the right frame of mind. If I think about things too long my stomach easily tangles in knots. My world view is changing (again) and as I shop, watch television, and read practically anything, I see this false reality that so many live in….that I live in. I am not throwing stones, I’m as guilty as the next. It seems the only way to really escape is to live off the grid somewhere, or even better yet…move to a 3rd world country and do something to help someone else’s life. I’m not eager for death, but heaven is looking better and better everyday.
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